


In the Name of Science

by emynn (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Dirty Talk, Humor, M/M, Oral Sex, Penis Measuring, Penis Size, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sexual Humor, Shameless Smut, Size Difference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:26:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/emynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus is not about to let some <i>website</i> cast aspersions on his cock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Name of Science

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the [Penis Analyzer](http://en.inkei.net/). Links within are potentially Not Work Safe.

Severus cleared his throat. “If I may interrupt you for a moment, Healer Potter.”

Potter startled and glanced up over his laptop computer to look at Severus. “Oh, sorry, Snape. I didn’t see you there.”

“Clearly,” Severus said, setting down the box of potions on Potter’s desk. “I’ve never seen your attention so focused on anything before.”

“Oh, it’s just something stupid another Healer showed me,” Potter said, standing up. “Got a bit distracted. These are the potions we discussed?”

Severus nodded. “As usual, I’ve attached explicit instructions to each phial.”

“Great,” Potter said, looking through the box. “Oh, is this the experimental Oculus Potion we talked about last week?”

“Indeed,” Severus replied. “It should be much more effective, but I have yet to test how it reacts to powdered moonstone, so I would avoid administering the Draught of Peace to the patient as well.”

“Easy enough,” Potter said. “Oh, that reminds me. I was just reading something about some interesting uses of unicorn horn that I thought could be useful in refining that milder form of the Draught of Peace we’ve been working on, it was in one of these books…” He gestured for Severus to come around his desk to the bookshelves in the back of his office. “I believe it was by Brinnigan.”

As Potter searched through his shelves, Severus took the opportunity to gaze around his office. It was a familiar sight, given how Severus was there nearly every week. Nearly two years ago Potter had been given the duty of procuring potions for St Mungo’s and ascertaining the Healers’ needs for new or modified potions. Severus had been dubious at first; even if he hadn’t admittedly irrationally despised Potter as a student, he could say without hesitation he was one of Severus’ worst students of all time. But to his surprise, Potter had learned a great deal about potions in his years training to be a Healer, and Severus came to enjoy their time together. Potter had a surprisingly sharp mind.

_And a delightfully round arse._

Severus shook his head, realising that once again his gaze had dropped to that particular area of Potter’s anatomy. Difficult though it was to tear his eyes away from Potter squatting as he went to examine a lower shelf, Severus forced himself to look in the opposite direction.

Which just happened to be Potter’s laptop.

Potter’s laptop, that was currently displaying a non-explicit, but unmistakably phallic, penis.

“So _this_ is what was so enthralling,” Severus drawled. 

“What?” Potter looked up. Upon seeing where Severus was staring, his face flushed bright red. “It’s just a joke. I honestly hadn’t been looking for that long.”

Severus walked over to the laptop to look more closely. The outline of a rather thin but decently curved penis was displayed on a graph on the screen, along with some remarkably detailed measurements. “Length: 127 millimetres. Circumference: 17 millimetres. Shaft angle: 17°. Shaft expansion rate: 161%.” He turned around to face Potter. “Are you keeping records of your patients’ most intimate details now?”

Potter’s face, if possible, turned even redder. “Not exactly,” he said, hurrying towards the laptop. “It’s nothing.”

Severus swatted Potter’s hand out of the way and peered closer at the screen. At the bottom of the graph was a label proclaiming it to be the penis of Gwaine Sigan, a man Severus vaguely knew to be a Healer. What’s more, it had dubbed the penis to be “The Forgotten Pure Guardian Deity,” and that it had an ability, whatever that meant, of 17%.

“Oh, so you’re looking up the records of your colleagues and assigning juvenile names to them? Honestly, Potter. How old are you?”

“It’s not like that!” Potter exclaimed. “It’s just a website. Jones was showing it to me just before you arrived. You just plug in somebody’s name and it tells you… all that.”

“And exactly what algorithm does it employ to come to such results?” Severus asked.

Potter shrugged. “I dunno. Like I said, it’s just a joke. Jones thought the nickname for Gwaine’s penis was amusing, given how terrified he seems to be of anybody touching him.”

Severus rolled his eyes. “Pathetic. Who has that kind of time to create such a website? It’s ludicrous.”

“I dunno,” Potter said. “You sound rather interested in it.”

“Only that such a travesty exists!” Severus said.

“Come on,” Potter said, a sly smile upon his face. “I know you, Snape. You want to put a name in. You’re curious.”

Severus crossed his arms. “You’re wasting my time, Potter.”

“I’m certainly not the one keeping you here,” Potter said. “But if you’re interested, I’m just going to type in another name. Draco Malfoy, perhaps?”

Severus froze. There’d be plenty of stories in the _Prophet_ about Potter and Malfoy engaging in illicit trysts. Somehow those papers always wound up incinerated. Still, Severus couldn’t deny a vague but insistent curiosity of what this website would reveal about Potter’s rumoured paramour.

“There we go,” Potter said. He peered closer at the screen. “Hmm, a length of 153 millimetres and circumference of 48. Not too bad, especially with a shaft expansion rate of 109%.” He glanced over at Severus. “Accurate?”

“How would I bloody know?” Severus asked. “I’ve never seen Malfoy’s cock!”

“Really?” Potter asked, his eyes widening. “That’s not what he implied.”

“Excuse me?” 

“He hints at it nearly every time he comes around here,” Potter said, tracing the illustration of Malfoy’s projected penis with his finger. “From how he goes on, I thought you were very familiar with, ah, the [Fierce Nihilistic Joystick.”](http://en.inkei.net/Draco_Malfoy)

“I would never!” Severus snapped. “He’s the absolutely _last_ person whose cock I want to see, _especially_ since he has an ability of 1%.”

Potter snorted. “Well, clearly the nihilistic part is accurate, anyway,” Potter muttered, scratching his chin. “Well, that’s unfortunate. I was hoping we’d be able to determine how accurate this site was.”

“Given how it has no way of determining the size of somebody’s prick other than the poor sod’s name, I’d have to say not very,” Severus retorted. 

“Well, there’s only one way to find out,” Potter said. “We have to enter one of our names.”

“Not bloody likely,” Severus said. This had gone far enough. Clearly he’d allowed his obsession with Potter’s arse to get the best of him. He needed to leave before he was humiliated any further.

“Well, I’m the host of this impromptu party,” Potter said quickly. “It’s really only fair I type in my name.” His fingers moved over the keyboard, and then he grinned. “Ah. Accurate. Very accurate, I’d have to say. Interested?” he asked, smirking.

Well, given how much time Severus spent considering Potter’s arse, it was only fair he considered his cock as well. He glanced over at the screen… and his jaw immediately dropped.

Potter’s cock, if this site was to be believed, was huge. So huge, in fact, it took up almost the entire screen. Malfoy’s cock looked positively minuscule by comparison. 

“272 millimetres long, with a circumference of 86 millimetres, are you mad?”

“What can I say?” Potter said, a smug smile upon his face. “That’s the [Gorgeous Hyper Phoenix](http://en.inkei.net/Harry_Potter) for you.” 

Severus shook his head in disbelief. There was no way Potter’s cock could possibly be that big. Granted, it only had a 91% expansion rate, but it wasn’t as if he actually _needed_ his prick to grow any larger. 

A sudden image of Potter, naked, with that giant prick hard and dripping with pre-come flashed through Severus’ mind. Merlin, the things he could do with such a cock. His own prick gave a hopeful twitch. He shook his head, interrupting that fantasy before it could progress any further.

“Enter my name,” Severus said.

“I thought you didn’t –”

“Now, Potter,” Severus demanded.

Potter sighed. “Fine.” A moment later he glanced over at Severus. “Do you want to see for yourself?”

Severus moved behind Potter and looked at the screen. It was… not horrible. A prick of 159 millimetres with a circumference of 31 millimetres was perfectly acceptable. Probably close to accurate, if he were being truly honest. 

But it wasn’t like Potter’s. 

[The Chain of Misery,"](http://en.inkei.net/Severus_Snape) Potter said, reading the name of Severus’ cock. “Well, then. Perhaps this website was made by a disgruntled student, eh?”

“I don’t need your pity, Potter,” Severus snarled. “I don’t need your validation to be satisfied with my cock.”

“I imagine you don’t,” Potter said. “I’m sure you… satisfy yourself quite nicely.”

“Is that your attempt at innuendo, Potter?”

“If you want to call it that,” Potter said. 

“What would you call it?” Severus was very aware that he was quite close to Potter, could feel his body heat. If he tripped, he would have Potter trapped beneath him on his desk, and he could thrust his perfectly adequate erection against his arse.

“Just an… observation.” Potter turned away from the laptop to face Severus. In the process, he drew ever so slightly closer. “You seem like a man who knows how to keep himself satisfied.”

“Indeed,” Severus said. Merlin, he was so close. The slightest movement and his lips would be against Potter’s. 

“But is it accurate?”

“Hmm?” Being this close to Potter, inhaling his scent, was making Severus dizzy.

“The website. That was the whole point of this, wasn’t it?”

“Well, we already knew it was rubbish,” Severus said. “Given how there’s no way your cock is that large, it is safe to assume that it is also wrong about me. My cock is in no way so average.”

“Is that so?” Potter asked. He spread his legs just slightly, but it was enough for Severus to insinuate his thigh between them and feel an answering hardness there. Whether it was 272 millimetres long, Severus didn’t know, but it was definitely all for him, and that was enough.

“There is nothing average about me, Potter. My cock is no exception.”

“What do you say we do a little experiment then?” Potter asked. His office door closed with a quiet _snick_ , and Severus felt the familiar sensation of wards and silencing spells going up. “In the name of science.”

“Well, if it’s in the name of science…”

Severus didn’t get to finish his sentence before Potter was covering his lips with a fierce, brutal kiss. He didn’t waste a second, immediately drawing Potter closer as he plundered his mouth. 

“Mmph,” Potter moaned. He drew his mouth away with a gasp, leaving Severus feeling temporarily bereft before moving to trail a series of kisses down his neck. Severus hissed as Potter nipped lightly at his scars, eliciting a thrill of pleasure that ran the length of his body.

“It appears we’re allowing ourselves to become, ah, distracted from our initial experiment,” Severus said. “I believe we were supposed to compare the results of the website to our actual cocks.”

“Mmm, we were,” Potter said, his voice huskier than Severus was accustomed to.

“And yet we’re still clothed, not allowing us to see the visual evidence.”

Potter glanced up. Even though his eyes were hazy, he clearly was not entirely lost with lust, as he was able to immediately divest both of their clothing with a wordless, wandless spell. “Better?”

“Much,” Severus agreed. And then, because he was a man of science and the best way to observe any new specimen was up close, he dropped to his knees so he could better appreciate the wonder that was Potter’s cock.

For the first time that afternoon, Severus had to wonder if perhaps the creators of the website were onto something. Potter’s cock was, indeed, quite larger than average. As Severus trailed the tip of his tongue along its underside, it twitched in his hands. Thick and long, with heavy balls that felt just perfect in Severus’ grasp, Harry Potter’s cock was a thing of glory that deserved all the accolades the website had given it.

“Fuck, yes,” Potter whispered. He leaned back on his desk, gripping the edges tightly. “Are you satisfied?”

“Not yet, but the night’s still young,” Severus said.

Potter snorted. “I meant with the size. Does it meet your expectations?”

“Well, I don’t typically walk around with a measuring tape,” Severus said, trailing his hand up and down the length of Potter’s cock. “But I wouldn’t say the website made any entirely egregious claims.”

Potter grinned. “Is that your way of saying you like my giant cock?”

“Mmm,” Severus said, and licked Potter’s balls.

“I like yours, too,” Potter said. “I only wish I could see it better.”

“What’s stopping you?” Severus asked. He was hard, harder than he could remember being in a long time, and while he was quite enjoying becoming more intimately acquainted with Potter’s prick, his own was becoming rather jealous of the attention.

“Good point,” Potter said, and joined Severus on the floor. 

They quickly positioned themselves so each had an adequate view of the other’s cock, although truthfully, what then commenced was not so much “examining” as it was “sucking.” Severus, now aware that the website, while possibly not accurate down to the millimetre, had been basically accurate in its assessment of his and Potter’s cocks, thought that Potter might be disappointed to see Severus’ more average sized prick, but that did not seem to be the case. In fact, Potter appeared to be enthralled by Severus’ cock and eagerly set about exploring it with his tongue before taking the whole of it in his mouth. 

“Fuck, Severus,” Potter gasped some time later. Severus’ prick popped out of Potter’s mouth and his hissed at the cold air on the sensitive skin, but it was worth it to see the expression on Potter’s face. He was staring at Severus with the most exquisite, lust-filled gaze, and it was all Severus could do not to come right there. 

“Have you come to any conclusions?” Severus asked. His voice was barely a rasp, but he was pleased with himself to be able to form complete sentences. 

“Yeah,” Potter said. “That I need your prick in my arse. Immediately.”

“My, my, Potter,” Severus said. “I thought the point of this experiment was to gauge the size of our cocks. That will be difficult to ascertain with mine disappearing into your hole.”

“Don’t really give a damn,” Potter said, spreading his legs. “You can look at mine all you like. But I need yours in me.”

Severus froze. Potter was the most tempting sight, spread out on the floor of his office with his hand wrapped around his hard cock. Severus was desperate to sink into that willing body, feel Potter clench around his prick. He would have Potter in every way. A litany of images flashed through his mind, of fucking Potter in every position and location possible – spread facedown on his desk in his office, on his knees in front of the fire, up against the wall in a hidden alcove at one of those blasted Ministry functions they were both required to attend. Another wave of fantasies saw Severus himself being fucked by Potter, taking in that thick, beautiful cock, loving it as Potter thrust into him and shouted out his name.

“Snape?”

“Severus,” he corrected, and knelt between Potter’s legs. “If we’re to do this, you will call me by my name.”

“So cock in mouth you’re still Snape, but as soon as it’s cock in arse we move to first names?” Potter looked amused, an expression that Severus decided he quite liked on him, particularly when he was naked and hard.

“Something like that.” Severus glanced around the office. “Do you have anything that could serve as lubricant in here?”

“Of course,” Potter said. He held out his hand, and a fat jar flew into it from the bookshelves. “Perks of working in St Mungo’s.”

Severus took the jaw, examining it. “It will do. It’s not typically the type of lubricant I prefer for these such purposes.”

“Yeah?” Potter said. “Well, perhaps next time you can bring some of your own.”

Severus frowned. His prick had jumped at the thought of another similarly naked encounter with Potter, but he was aware that people often blurted out impossible things in the heat of the moment.

“Or I could come to you,” Potter said. “Or we could just… meet somewhere. Or –”

“Potter,” Severus said, and uncorked the jar. “Do shut up.”

Potter’s cock was exceptional, yes. But it was his arse that had first attracted Severus’ more lascivious attention, and he welcomed the opportunity to have it in his hands. He took his time stretching Potter, both out of care to ensure their first encounter would be a pleasant one, and also because he so loved the breathy moans that escaped Potter’s lips with every crook of his fingers. 

“Come on,” Potter said, digging his heels into the small of Severus’ back. “Do it. Please.”

Severus didn’t need any more encouragement than that. Calmly reciting the contents of his potions cupboard alphabetically in his mind in an attempt to distract himself, he slowly slid into Potter. It was hot, tight, better than anything Severus could have possibly dared to dream of. And, at least for now, it was all his.

Potter, never one to keep his mouth shut, stayed true to form when being fucked. He moaned, groaned, and shouted. He gasped whenever Severus brushed against his prostate. He whispered strings of expletives, strings of filthy words that drove Severus on to fuck him harder, faster, more, more, _more_.

And he shouted out Severus’ name like it was only hope to come through the other side.

Well, to come, anyway.

“Severus,” Potter said, and began fisting his cock. “Fuck, you feel so good in me. I love it. Love you fucking me.”

“You love my cock,” Severus said, sweat dripping down his back. “You love my cock inside of you.”

“Oh, yes,” Potter whispered. “More. Please.”

Severus slammed his hips in again. He wouldn’t be able to last much longer, but he was determined to see Potter come first. “You’ve thought of my cock before,” he said. It was a gamble, he knew, but somehow he had a feeling this would be the trick that would bring Potter over the edge. “Even before that blasted website. You’ve thought about having my cock in your mouth, in your arse. Fucking you until you can’t walk the next day.”

“Yes,” Potter admitted. “Every day. Every fucking day, Severus. Do you know how often I’ve wanked thinking of this, thinking of you? Oh, oh, oh fuck. Severus!”

“And how does it compare?” Severus asked. 

“So much better,” Potter said immediately. “Fuck, Severus, I want to see your cock every day. I want you to let me suck it until you come. I want you to come in my mouth, on my face.”

“I’m going to come in your arse,” Severus said. “I’m going to do it soon, Potter. Would you like that? Do you want me to come in your arse?”

“Oh, fuck, yes,” Potter said, his voice strained. “I want that. Please, Severus. Do it. Do… ah, fuck!”

Potter’s hand sped up on his cock, and he came a second later, Severus’ name on his lips. Severus drew deep breaths as he watched the come spurt from Potter’s cock, then, with renewed vigour, slammed back into Potter one, two, three more times before shooting his own release as well. 

It was a long time before either of them moved. It was only when the drying come between them grew uncomfortable that Severus managed to find his wand to tidy the mess. 

“Well, that was interesting,” Potter said.

Severus suddenly felt very cold. “Oh?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, it’s not every day I have a shag on my office floor in order to determine if there’s any truth in a prank website,” Potter said. He reached for Severus’ hand, resting his head on his chest. “If I had known that’s all it took, I would have left questionable websites for you to find on my laptop far earlier.”

Severus frowned. “Are you saying you planned this?”

“Well, it’s hard to _plan,_ ,” Potter said. “I had no idea how you’d react, or if you’d even notice what was on the screen. But I will say, what played out was definitely the best case scenario.”

“I see,” Severus said. Potter was still squeezing his hand, and seemed to quite enjoy the way Severus had twined his fingers through his hair. But this was still so entirely bizarre. In the moment, stripping down and shagging had seemed entirely natural. But now, as he looked down at Potter in his arms, he could scarcely believe what they had just done. And in Potter’s _office_ , no less. 

He didn’t do things like this. He’d grown accustomed to a solitary life, in all senses of the word. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a meaningless shag. 

_Just go ahead and try to pass this off as meaningless, you soppy, besotted fool._

“You’re thinking too much,” Potter said, kissing Severus’ cheek.

“Given how little you think, I presume you find everybody thinks too much,” Severus said, but he couldn’t find it in himself to summon the requisite bite.

Potter only snorted. “I mean it. Listen, I’ll make it easy for you. I’m interested in you. Have been for quite some time. And in the past few months I’ve been beginning to think you’re interested in me too. At least, you’ve been checking out my arse more.”

“I never –”

“Liar,” Potter said, but it almost sounded like an endearment. “Now, for me personally, I’d like to do this again. But I’d also like to take you out to supper. I’m not one for one-night stands, or relationships where it’s just sex, but if that’s what you want…” He sighed. “I’d respect that. So. What do you think?”

Severus brushed the fringe away from Potter’s face, taking extra time to linger over the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. He then drew his hand down the side of Potter’s face, trailing down his neck, his chest, and then his now flaccid, but still impressive, cock. 

“I think,” he said. “That more observations are necessary in order to determine whether or not this website is accurate in its claims.”

A slow smile spread across Potter’s face. “Is that so? How many, do you reckon?”

“It’s hard to say,” Severus said. “Truthfully, I can see this experiment needing to go on indefinitely. It’s all in the name of science, after all.”

“In the name of science,” Potter repeated. He paused. “And supper?”

“We’ll need to keep up our strength somehow,” Severus said.

Potter grinned and pulled Severus in for a deep, passionate kiss. “You’re brilliant,” he said when they parted. “Absolutely brilliant.”

“Even with my Chain of Misery of an entirely average size?” Severus asked, nuzzling Potter’s neck.

“Your Chain of Misery is absolutely exceptional,” Potter said. “I look forward to many, many more observations of its prowess.”

“Indeed,” Severus said. “And I your Gorgeous Hyper Phoenix.”

“Yeah,” Potter said. “And you know the best thing about phoenixes? They rise again.”

Severus frowned. “Surely not. I realise you’re young, but you _just_ came.” But sure enough, Potter cock was once again showing signs of interest. He heaved a deep sigh. “Merlin preserve me. The things I do for science.”

Potter laughed and moved to straddle Severus. “There’s nobody better for the job.”

“Don’t you forget it,” Severus said. And, pulling Potter down for another fierce kiss, he resigned himself to a lifetime of intense scientific endeavours. 

Fortunately, he had found the perfect person to share them with.


End file.
